Benilde died
Saturday, March 5, 2022
He was 88 years old

…

I took the picture on Sunday, September 18, 2022. The small stone on the grave-marker came from the dirt road leading to the chapel of La Madonna di Portosalvo in Aprigliano. 

Context
1. Sunday, September 18, 2022
An old friend and I drove from Pittsburgh to Narragansett stopping in Scranton to remember Joe Biden, and in New Haven to gawk at the one-percenters.
I wanted him to see what I saw, some 50 years earlier, when as an 18-year-old I arrived at 635 Ocean Road, Narragansett, Rhode Island – the Christian Brothers Novitiate.

Also I wanted to visit Benilde’s grave. I wasn’t able to attend the funeral, and it was important to me to make this pilgrimage and visit the grave and to remember a man who helped change my life.

2. The small stone on the grave-marker
The first time I saw stones or pebbles on grave-markers was at Père Lachaise; they were on Gertrude Stein’s tombstone. And my friends explained the Jewish tradition of leaving small stones on grave-markers to signify that someone had visited, that someone had come to pay their respects and to remember. I knew that when I got to Benilde’s grave I would put a stone on the grave-marker. A stone I had brought back from the road leading to the small chapel of Portosalvo in the hills of Aprigliano. (Over the years, every time I’ve visited Aprigliano, I’ve always picked up a rock from the chapel-road to bring back home.)

3. La Madonna di Portosalvo
La Madonna was very special to the people of Aprigliano. She belonged to our parish and her chapel was an extension of the main church. The rhythms of our hill-top town revolved around the feast-days and festivals associated with the saints in our sanctuary of which La Madonna was the preeminent. (The image below is of La Madonna enshrined in our parish church of Santo Stefano. The other statues (l-r) are of St. Stephen, Our Lady of Sorrows and St. Francis of Paola.)

The feast of La Madonna and its accompanying festival were in mid September. I tasted peanuts for the first time at one of the festival booths; I saw fireworks for the first time at the festival of Portosalvo. And an affinity, a closeness, a reverence for those rhythms have stayed with me.

La Madonna was also very special to my mother and to my aunt – two daughters of Aprigliano. My aunt had passed away a year ago – September 5, 2021 – and my mother had just passed away 3 days earlier – September 15. The trip to the Brothers’ cemetery in Narragansett, with the rock from Portosalvo, became a pilgrimage. I was paying my respects; I was remembering my mother, my aunt and Benilde – two amazing women and the man who was there when I took my first tentative steps forward.

Brother Benilde James
Benilde was the Assistant Director of Novices, but in January of 1969 he took over for our Director who was sent to Rome. In that in-between of January and June, Benilde and I became friends; we could laugh together; he could call me out on my nonsense; I could tease him – and I did incessantly. I got to meet his sister, his mother; I was invited along when he went home to visit his family.
It was also in that in-between that I began my journey towards adulthood. It was a journey that allowed me to become a spiritual person; a journey that taught me how to make decisions; a journey that coached me in responsibility; a journey that showed me I could fall in love; a journey that revealed the value of teaching. And Benilde, in that in-between, gave me the space, the support, the guidance, the helping hand to start that long journey. Many saw him as too laid-back, as too lenient, but I needed the space that his detachment and leniency provided in order to take those tentative first steps. He was one of the kindest people I’ve ever met and that long-ago time has remained a treasured memory.

As I write this commemorative post, I realize that my past is a vast catalogue of images, impressions, hurts, and joys. Benilde, and my time with him at Narragansett, hold place-of-honor in that catalogue.

(l-r) Stein’s tombstone at Père Lachaise| Chapel of Portosalvo| statue of La Madonna| the road to Portosalvo| Aprigliano